Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1998 09:17:07 -0700 (PDT)

From: laura jacquez valentine 

Subject: NEW: Flood, Fire, and Frippery (TOS, K/S, PG-13, 1/1)

To: ascem@earthlink.net

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Author: Laura Jacquez Valentine

Title: Flood, Fire, and Frippery

Series: TOS

Rating: PG-13

Codes: K/S

Summary: God vents wrath at homosexuals. Wink wink, nudge nudge.



Disclaimer: Oh baby, Paramount/Viacom owns Star Trek's ass and all

associated parts.



Post to ASCEM (not really appropriate for BLTS, but can go there if

Anne wants it to), archive ASC/ASCEM only.



Also, this is a bit of silliness.  I'm not trying to make fun of

anyone's religion or God; I just got inspired.  For the record, I'm

well-and-truly Discordian, and this story is part of my religious

practice, so view it that way if it makes you easier about it.  Death

to Greyface.



---



Dr. McCoy stormed down the corridor to Kirk's quarters.  "GodDAMMIT!"

he exclaimed when he saw Kirk's privacy lock engaged, and promptly

overrode it (a blatant misuse of his medical codes, but he felt it was

quite justified, considering the circumstances).



Kirk, his pants around his knees, was quite startled, and would have

jumped into the air and grabbed his ankles if he hadn't been embedded

up to the hilt in the first officer.



McCoy would have stifled a snicker, but the situation was too dire.



"Jim--Spock--there's a *flood* in engineering.  And a fire in the mess

hall.  And the stars outside the observation deck have rearranged

themselves to spell out a *message*."



"A message from whom, Doctor?" asked Spock, as he reached behind

himself to fasten Kirk's trousers.



"God, apparently, unless you know someone *else* who signs himself

'Jehovah, Lord of All'."



"Is the fire contained?" Kirk asked, being of a less curious and more

pragmatic mind than his boyfriend.



"Yes."



"And the flood?"



"Yes--but you have to see the message, Jim.  It's terribly important."



The three officers headed up to the observation deck to see the

message written in the stars.



"Dear Jim and Spock," it read, "I thought I was clear on the subject

of buggery.  Do stop, or I shall loose my wrath upon you. The flood &

fire are a warning--next time I swear out a warrant for your arrest. 

Love, Jehovah, Lord of All."



"Fuck-a-doodle-doo," said Kirk.  "I suppose this means we have to stop

the nookie."



Spock looked pensive.  "What if we engage in non-penatrative nookie? 

I believe that does not technically qualify as 'buggery'."



The stars rearranged themselves.  "Fat chance, you cum-guzzling road

whore.  Love, Jehovah."



"I think He's not getting any," said Kirk, who appeared to have his

dander up.  "It's been over 2000 years, after all."



"That's not a nice way to talk about an all-powerful being.  Love,

Jehovah," replied the stars.



"Look, I'd throw my daughters to you if I had any daughters, OK?  I

mean, in a universe filled with life, you can't get laid at all?  Give

me a break."



"I don't like your tone.  Love, Jehovah."  



Kirk was suddenly wearing a very nice Vera Wang wedding gown.  Spock

eyed him appreciatively, and found himself in a tiny black leather

G-string and thigh-high boots.  "Fascinating," he said.



"If *I* can get laid, *you* can get laid," said Kirk, who was nothing

if not persistant.  "Hell, McCoy gets laid.  Spock gets laid.  Even

Chekov gets laid.  Don't tell me you can't."



"Sigh," said the stars.  "I just can't find a woman up to my high

standards.  Love, Jehovah."



"So *create* one.  You're the *Creator*, aren't you?"



"I hadn't thought of that," the stars admitted.  "It's worth a shot. 

I suppose you can go back to your buggery now.  Love, Jehovah."



And the last message slowly dissolved into the speckled blackness of

space.



"Captain," said Spock, "how do you propose we get back to our quarters

dressed this way?"



---



The End.





==

laura jacquez valentine -+- http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/~jacquez

"I had no idea you were such a cad.  I'm impressed."

"Yes, Julian is gay. This seems to bother some people; they need to grow up."