Date: 19 Oct 1998 14:16:03 -0400

From: Laura Jacquez Valentine 

Subject: NEW: Domino Dancing (TOS, K/S, angst, R, 1/1)



Author: Laura Jacquez Valentine (laurav@stones.com)

Title: Domino Dancing

Series: TOS

Codes: K/S

Rating: R

Summary: I don't know why, I don't know how

I thought I loved you, but I'm not sure now...



Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Paramount/Viacom.  I don't own anything 

of value, and this story sure isn't helping me get money.



"Domino Dancing" belongs to the Pet Shop Boys.



See, GW, I rememberified to send you a copy, to circumvent Antisocial

Newsfeed! 

---

I stood in the observation lounge, watching the stars.  Jim would arrive 

soon, and I needed to prepare myself for an ending.  I could no longer

allow him to do what he did.



He did it knowing how it hurt me, knowing that unfaithfulness was the

worst cruelty to me--I who could not be anything other than loyal,

personally and professionally.  Indeed, he assumed that professional

loyalty meant more than personal; that I would always be there in bed

because I was always there on the bridge.



He was gravely mistaken.



//I don't know why, I don't know how

I thought I loved you, but I'm not sure now

I've seen you look at strangers too many times

The love you want is of a different kind//



I drew a deep breath, willing myself to be strong.  Even though my love for

him had faded with each infidelity, he could still call up my desires

with the merest gesture.  I would need someone to sate those desires

when I had ended this.  Perhaps if I considered my choices, it would

help me get through this.



My choices for so long have returned to Jim.  I closed my eyes and

remembered the beginning.



//Remember when we felt the sun

A love like paradise, how hot it burned

A threat of distant thunder, the sky was red

And when you walked, you always turned every head//



We were walking down a row of shops on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet, and Jim

was laughing.  He was so beautiful when he laughed that I grew bold.

When he touched me, his hand gentle in the small of my back, I pulled

him into a doorway and kissed him.  I was in shade, he was in sunlight,

and he pressed against me willingly.



"I've wanted to do that for a long time, Spock," he said when I drew

back, finally.



"As have I."



Ten minutes later he was flirting with a young woman.



So much for beginnings.



//All day, all day--Watch them all fall down

All day, all day--Domino dancing

All day, all day--Watch them all fall down//



I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my chin.  It didn't matter

who my choice was, it simply mattered that it would not be Jim.



Jim who loved to kiss me with my semen on his lips; Jim who used his

water-shower rations to bathe me, running his hands over my body,

entering me with soap-slick fingers; Jim who called out my name when he

came, who cared for my pleasure even when he was spent--



Jim who slept with anything young and female that happened to cross his

path, and related the tales to McCoy over Saurian brandy.



//I thought that when we fought I was to blame

But now I know you play a different game

I've watched you dance with danger, still wanting more

Add another number to the score//



When I confronted him about it, he laughed.  When I persisted, he

treated me like a cadet who had had the temerity to question orders.  I

had not been so treated since I was a child, and I...presumed to argue

with him.



He did not speak to me, except in the course of duty, until I begged

his forgiveness a week later. 



He held me close when he forgave me, kissed me, and then went to dinner

with Ambassador Fox's aide.  I knew better than to wait in his quarters.



When he came to my quarters late that night, he smelled of her.



//When you look around you wonder

Do you play to win?

Or are you just a bad loser?//



"Spock?"



He was behind me.  I turned to face him.  "Jim."



"What is it?"



I let myself look at him as lovers may look, one last time.  I let my

eyes wander over his body and I let my flesh remember what it was to

feel him inside me, to feel our skin--mine dry, his slick with

sweat--brush together.  Remembered orgasm made me tremble, and I stilled 

myself.  If I let myself do much more, I could not do this.



"Spock."



His voice, so soft, so close to me.  He had moved so that his body

nearly brushed mine.  



I stepped back and clasped my hands behind my back.



"Jim, I can no longer continue to have a sexual relationship with you."



My voice was steady and I kept the tears from my eyes.



He nodded, slowly.  "I expected this, sooner or later.  Everyone leaves

me, eventually.  Why should you be any different?"



//I don't know why, I don't know how

I thought I loved you but I'm not sure now

I hear the thunder crashing, the sky is dark

And now a storm is breaking within my heart//



His words hurt almost as much as his unfaithfulness.  But long practice

had enabled me to work through the pain he caused.  This could be no

different. 



"Jim," I said, "this is not of my doing.  You have brought this upon

yourself.  You knew what I asked of you, and you would not give it."  I

paused, weighing my words.  "I will continue to work at your side to the 

best of my ability.  I will be everything you ask, except your sexual

partner.  Desire without real love is ultimately worthless, Jim.  Even

Vulcans understand this.  You knew the price of my love, and you would

not pay.  So I am ending this.  There is nothing more to say."



I turned back to the stars.  He stood still for a moment, then said it,

as I knew he would: "You're just like all the rest of them."



I listened to his footsteps as he left, and then drew my first free

breath in over a year.



---

The End