Date: 19 Jun 1998 14:12:04 -0400

From: Laura Jacquez Valentine 

X-Mailer: BatIMail version 3.01

To: post+alt.startrek.creative@andrew.cmu.edu

Subject: NEW: Cranberry Wine 1/1 (TOS, Sarek/Amanda)





Author: Laura Jacquez Valentine

Title: Cranberry Wine 

Rating: PG

Codes: Sa/A (?)

Part: 1/1

Summary: Amanda reflects on her relationship with Sarek.



Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek.  I own this story.  I make no

money from this story - it is distributed free of charge for the

enjoyment of fellow fans.  Hoi, hoi, u embleer hrair...



--





I have heard that I am the envy of many.  Even here, on Vulcan, there is

gossip.  I wish I could rise up and tell them: this is hard, so hard, as

hard as growing cranberries in the desert.  But I keep my silence.  I

love him too much to tell others of this pain.



I think, sometimes, of pioneer women who were not strong enough; those

who went mad or who killed their children and husbands.  I am strong

enough to bear my burden.  I do not think Sarek would have chosen me if

I were not.  The other humans who have married Vulcans are strong as

well.  That may be chance, or it may simply be that curious Vulcan

talent for choosing exactly the right person for a job.



Sometimes that talent fails.  A month ago, I heard from T'Pau how

horribly it failed with Spock.



I have not spoken to Sarek since.



I want him to do what a human husband would do: "I'm sorry, Amanda, I

was wrong to bond Spock to T'Pring."



Instead, he watches me calmly and does not break the silence between

us.  The silence frightens me at times.  I wonder if it will stretch as

long as the one between Sarek and our son.  The silence is as sweet and

as sour as wine.



I wish I knew what to say to him to make him understand.  But after all

these years--if he were going to understand, he would have a long time

ago.  If I were going to understand--well, it's the same story all

over.  



I don't understand why he cannot admit that he was wrong.  Why he

keeps tabs on Spock's career but never speaks of it.  Why he will not

speak to or about Spock, but sometimes sits for hours looking at holos

of him.



Why he cannot say "I'm sorry, Amanda."



We made love last night, in silence.  I lost myself in him, in the

gentle mindtouch Vulcans bring to sex.  I felt his grief over Spock's

failed marriage.  I felt how deeply he blamed himself.  But he would not

say it.  He pressed me close to him and kissed me, ran his hands over me

and gave me pleasure--but would not give me what I most wanted from him.



Afterwards, he rested his head on my shoulder and wept, but he did not

apologize.  I ran fingers through his hair and soothed him, but refused

to say his name. 



He is out walking now, alone, through the streets of ShiKahr.  There are

those who envy me, I know.  Married to Sarek, mother to Spock.  Many

women would trade places with me, given a chance.  But this is so hard.

I take a sip of wine, imported from Earth, and it wipes away the sobs

gathering in my throat.



I wish I could grow cranberries on Vulcan's Forge.



---



The End.