Sith Academy Reject: Darth Maul Pledges Chi Epsilon Delta Iota





"Master, they're not going to give me a bid to pledge."



"Did you wear the khakis?"



"Khakis?"  Darth Maul asked.



"Correct, my young apprentice.  You should be familiar with them from

your work at The Gap."



"No.  I wore my jeans and my 'Sith Lords Kick Ass' t-shirt."



"Maul, you idiot, Chi Epsilon Delta Iota is a Jedi frat.  They're all

sniveling little high-class queens in khakis."



"But Master--"



"Are you telling me a Sith Lord can't imitate a sniveling little

high-class queen in khakis?"



Maul looked at the small cat sitting on his lap.  "I'm going to kill him 

someday, you know," he told her.



"Good, good, my apprentice," said the holoimage of Darth Sidious.  The

cat hissed at him.  "You have taught your cat to hate as well.  Now,

make those Jedi give you a bid!"



Darth Maul sighed, dumped the cat on the floor,  and started digging in 

his closet for his khakis.



----



"Hi!" said Obi-Wan.  "I'm so excited to be a pledge.  Aren't you?"



"What are they doing over there?" Maul asked, gesturing with his

lightsaber at some of the upperclassmen, who were milling about like

sheep, giggling.



Obi-Wan blushed.  "Well, there's this game called Soggy Biscuit.  All 

us pledges have to sit in a circle around the cookie and, um, you know,

onto the cookie.  Last one to come has to eat it."



"I know that game," Maul said, plastering the innocent look his cat had

taught him onto his face.  "My Master always makes me play it with

his bridge club."



Obi-Wan wrinkled his nose.  "Eww, that's gross!"



"Not really.  Ever see a fifty-five year old man try to get off?

Takes forever."



Obi-Wan turned purple and began to choke.



"That's about how old your Master is, isn't it?" Maul inquired, sugar

practically oozing from his pores.



Obi-Wan started to cry.



Maul snickered and stalked across the room to join the rest of the

pledges in the circle around the large chocolate-chip cookie.



----



"Pledge!"  A XEDI brother grabbed Maul's shoulder.



Through clenched teeth, Maul said, "Yes, sir?"



"I need a bottle opener, a condom, and twenty credits."



"Going after one of the two-beer queers again, sir?"



"What was that, pledge?"  The brother cuffed Maul across the head.



"Nothing, sir.  Here's your bottle opener, condom, and twenty credits,

sir.  Do you need lube, sir?"



"Got any Astroglide?"



"Of course, sir."  He slapped the tube into the Jedi's waiting palm.



"Good.  And no more lip out of you, pledge, or you're gonna get it!"



The Jedi sashayed away, humming "I Will Survive".



"No," growled Maul, "you won't.  When the Sith rule the galaxy, XEDI

will be the first thing to go."  He paused, thoughtfully.  "Unless I 

kill my master first."



He headed for the campus store to buy another bottle opener and tube 

of Astroglide, and some more red food coloring to put in the Astroglide.



If he was lucky, half of XEDI would spend the night in the hospital 

worrying about rectal bleeding.



Maybe he would slip a tube under Obi-Wan's door.

----



"Maul!"



"Yes, Master?"



"I have a new task for you.  You must get XEDI kicked off campus."



"Why?"



"I saw on the news that two frats at the University of Corellia got

kicked off campus.  All the boys were so full of anger and hate

towards the university."  Sidious hissed.  "I could *feel* it, Maul.

All that raw power.  You *must* do this to the Jedi!"



"How, Master?"



"I'm sure you will find a way."  The holoimage faded.



"I really hate him," Maul said to the cat.  She waved her paw at him and 

he went to the kitchen and defrosted a salmon steak.  "I hate you, too," 

he said.  She blinked at him and twitched a paw.  He knelt down to pet

her. 



The doorbell rang, and Maul left the cat to her lunch to answer it.  It

was six brothers from XEDI.  "You need to make a supply run," one of 

them said.  "We need food and drinks for the party tonight."  The 

others nodded their heads in unison and put their hands on their 

khaki-clad hips.



"Well, pledge?" one of them sneered.  



Maul gritted his teeth.  "Yes, sir," he said.  "Of course, sir.  You

can count on me, sir."  They smiled indulgently and left.



The cat twined herself around his legs.  "I've decided.  They 

*definitely* get killed before my master," he told her.  "Their 

kind must be eliminated from the universe!"



----



"What's this blue stuff?" Obi-Wan asked, just before his Force abilities 

went completely haywire.



Maul, slurping a Bud Light over in the corner, ducked the flying pool

table and watched as fifteen campus cops tried to subdue a frat house 

full of drunken Jedi hopped up on metha-chlorians.



The metha-chlorians had been so expensive he'd had to buy nasty beer 

instead of his favorite Rogue Honey Brown, but it was worth it for the

sight of thirty-six sniveling little queens in khakis throwing huge 

pieces of furniture around and squirting the cops with dyed-red

Astroglide.



----



"You have done well, my apprentice," said Darth Sidious, trying to

ignore the cat climbing up his robe and avoid the puddles of red dye 

on the floor.  "XEDI have lost their charter and their house.  Now 

you must claim it for your own.  I command you to start a fraternity 

called Sigma Iota Theta!"



"Do I have to?"



"Yes.  And you have to make t-shirts for it.  I want a design by

Tuesday!"



From next door, they heard Obi-Wan scream "Master!  I'm bleeding!"



Darth Maul grinned ferociously.  "By Tuesday, my Master."