by (in order of appearance): Laura Jacquez Valentine, Basingstoke, Cara Chapel, RavenD, and Jedimom.
Thank you to Cara for doing most of the formatting of this. I've taken a few addition liberties for consistency's sake--putting ()s around actions that didn't have them, etc. As the title would imply, this is completely and utterly plotless IRC improv.
<jacquez> RayK: Whoa.
<jacquez> Fraser: Ray?
<jacquez> RayK: That guy. That guy over there. With the curly hair and the mouth.
<jacquez> Fraser: What?
<jacquez> RayK: the cocksucking mouth, Frase, you can't tell me you didn't notice.
<jacquez> Fraser: Well, no, Ray--
<jacquez> RayK: Yeah, whatever, you're a freak. And blind. A blind freak.
<jacquez> Fraser: Understood.
<bas-write> Fraser: Although my eyes are in fact quite good.
<bas-write> RayK: Not that it does you any good when you don't *use* them.
<bas-write> Fraser: I was looking at something else.
<jacquez> RayK: what, were you thinking of licking the handrail? Is that what you were looking at?
<jacquez> Fraser: Oh, Ray.
<jacquez> Fraser: No, actually, I was, ahem. That gentleman, over there--
<jacquez> RayK: You were checking him out?
<jacquez> Fraser: No.
<jacquez> RayK: You were, Fraser. That's wrong. That's completely wrong, you can't just go checking guys out in airports like that.
<jacquez> Fraser: You were.
<jacquez> RayK: Yeah, but only, you know, cruisable guys.
<jacquez> Fraser: He's not cruisable?
<jacquez> RayK: Well, OK, yeah, but...not my type. Not, you know, fuckable.
<jacquez> Fraser: Well, I think--that's rather crude, Ray, but essentially, I find him, well--
<jacquez> RayK: Fuckable.
<jacquez> Fraser: Well, yes.
<jacquez> RayK: I can*NOT* believe you. Dief, can you believe him?
<jacquez> Dief: Nope. He's a freak.
<jacquez> RayK: See, even the wolf...hey, wait just a damn minute. What the hell?
<jacquez> Dief: *snicker*
<jacquez> Fraser: Ray?
<jacquez> RayK: That better have been you demonstrating your previously undisclosed talent for ventriloquism, Fraser, or else I'm coming unglued.
<jacquez> Fraser: I have no idea what you're talking about, Ray.
<jacquez> Dief: I was messing with his head.
<jacquez> Fraser: Dief, that's not nice. Apologize to Ray.
<jacquez> Dief: Sorry, Ray.
<jacquez> RayK: I'm going home. I can't take this anymore. See if I give that wolf any more donuts--what, are they putting brain hormones in those things?
<jacquez> Fraser: Well, he's always been remarkably intelligent--
<jacquez> Dief: Especially compared to *you*--and by the way, what is with you males and other males? Females are better.
<Cara> Jim: Hey, Sandburg. Check out the eyes on that guy in red.
<jacquez> RayK: Fraser, your wolf is heterosexist.
<jacquez> Dief: Damn straight.
<Cara> Blair: Oh yeah. Definite 9.5.
<jacquez> Fraser: Ray, you're taking this too seriously--
<Cara> Jim: Agreed.
<jacquez> RayK: Hey, check it out, Cocksucker and Fuckable are together.
<Cara> Blair: So what are they fighting about?
<jacquez> Fraser: Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. RAY! You're staring.
<Cara> Jim: Something about a heterosexist wolf.
<jacquez> Dief: Gimme a donut and I'll go lick them.
<Cara> Blair: Maybe my spirit animal should have a talk with it.
<jacquez> RayK: You take a marker for that donut?
<jacquez> Dief: Sure. (Runs over, jumps on Jim and knocks him down and licks his face all over)
<Cara> Jim: Help! It's a heterosexist wolf!
<jacquez> Fraser: You cannot give Diefenbaker--Dief! Dief, no--I'm terribly sorry, sir, but he's deaf and--
<bas-write> Mulder: Stop that wolf! He's got vital government documents!
<jacquez> RayK: He's not deaf, he's canny. Hi, I'm Ray.
<bas-write> Scully: Mulder! Quit it.
<bas-write> Mulder: It's Krycek in disguise! I figured it all out!
<jacquez> Dief: Hey, his nose looks like Ray Vecchio's.
<jacquez> Duncan: CORY! What the hell are you doing here?
<bas-write> Scully (hissing): Mulder! You're embarrassing me!
<Cara> Blair (to RayK): So, um, can I have your phone number? So we can check to see if your wolf's had his shots.
<bas-write> Mulder: KRYCEK!
<jacquez> Duncan (to Krycek): I ought to cut your damn head off.
<jacquez> Krycek: What the fuck?
<bas-write> Scully points her gun at Krycek.
<RavenD> Skinner: Damnit, Krycek, I told you to stay in the apartment today!
<Cara> Fraser: Oh, dear.
<jacquez> RayK: Ah, it's Frase's wolf. But yeah-- here. My number.
<jacquez> Duncan: Cory, what the hell happened to your arm?
<jacquez> Krycek: Who the hell is Cory? Who the hell are you?
<Cara> (Jim and Fraser pounce on Scully)
<bas-write> Mulder: Shoot them all!
<Cara> Blair: Oh lord, there he goes again.
<Cara> RayK: Yours does that too?
<bas-write> Mulder: ...damn, why couldn't that have been me.
<Cara> Blair: Hell yes. All the time. Wanna go get a beer?
<jacquez> Methos: Did someone say 'beer'?
<bas-write> (Mulder pulls his gun to see if Jim and Fraser will jump him)
<bas-write> (RayK and Blair jump him and he goes down happy)
<Cara> Methos: I could have sworn somebody said 'beer.'
<bas-write> Krycek: I'll buy you a beer.
<jacquez> Methos: promise?
<bas-write> Krycek: And you can buy me a scotch. You would not believe how sick I am of vodka...
<RavenD> Skinner (groan): Speaking of scotch. I need a stiff one.
<jacquez> Methos: Oh, I'll take scotch over beer, myself.
<Cara> Jim (perking up): Stiff one?
<jacquez> Blair: not a dick, Jim.
<Cara> Jim: Damn.
<Cara> Jim: And get off of that red-headed table-leg.
<bas-write> RayK: I can provide the dick.
<Cara> Dief: Table-leg? Where?
<jacquez> Fraser: But Ray, you said that he had the... mouth.
<jacquez> RayK: I'm not picky.
<jacquez> Blair: Table-leg? Where?
<RavenD> Scully: So many stiff ones, so little interest... where the hell's Ed Jerse when you need him?
<bas-write> Dief: You're pretty. Not enough hair, but you smell good...
<Cara> Blair: What kind of mouth did he say I have?
<jacquez> Fraser: I'd rather not say.
<jacquez> Jim: Cocksucking.
<jacquez> (Blair whaps Jim.)
<jacquez> Blair: you told me they were arguing about the wolf.
<jacquez> Jim: They were. When you asked.
<RavenD> Scully (backing away slowly): Nice doggie...
<jacquez> Dief: I'm nice. I'm real nice.
<bas-write> Fraser: Diefenbaker! She's not even the same species.
<Cara> Blair (to Fraser, sexily): So you think I have a cocksucking mouth?
<jacquez> Dief: Has this ever stopped me before?
<Cara> RayK: No, I was the one who said that!
<jacquez> Fraser: No, uh. Ray. He thinks you-- thank you, Ray.
<jacquez> RayK: what I wanna know is how come everyone hits on the Mountie? Is it the uniform?
<Cara> Fraser (licks Mulder): He tastes funny.
<bas-write> Blair: No, it's his ass in the uniform.
<bas-write> Mulder: Ooh baby.
<Cara> RayK: I got an ass too ya know!
<Cara> Scully: No you don't.
<bas-write> (Blair cops a feel.)
<bas-write> Blair: No you don't.
<Cara> Fraser: No. He doesn't.
<Cara> Jim (licks Mulder): You're right. He does taste funny. Not really *bad,* though.
<bas-write> RayK: I have an ass! It's just small and cute rather than being all loud and obnoxious like Fraser's.
<bas-write> (Mulder sags between Fraser and Jim.)
<Cara> Fraser: Ray. Ray. Ray. RAY. My posterior is not obnoxious.
<RavenD> Skinner: I think it's illegal to lick federal agents.
<bas-write> Mulder: Say it ain't so, Skinman...
<RavenD> Skinner: Agent Mulder!
<Cara> Blair: You're right, dude... your ass is definitely not obnoxious.
<Cara> Methos: I still haven't got my scotch! Or my beer!
<RavenD> Scully (nudging Krycek): You'd best distract baldy before he pops a vein.
<bas-write> (Krycek sticks his hand in Skinner's back pocket)
<jacquez> Methos: *I* am going to go have my beer. And my scotch. *YOU* perverts can stay here and experience the slippery tawdry friction of mucous membranes.
<bas-write> Duncan: Listen to Mr. Pure.
<RavenD> Scully (following Methos): mucous membranes? You want to talk mucous. Let me tell you about Tooms...
<jacquez> Methos: Pure, hell. Bored is more like it. It's all the same, MacLeod. Wait until *you're* my age. Tooms? What is Tooms?
<jacquez> Duncan: Oh, and alcohol never gets stale. (yells after the departing Old Man) Go to HELL, Methos.
<Cara> Blair (to RayK): Foursome?
<Cara> RayK (to Blair): Foursome.
<jacquez> Fraser: Do I get a say in this, Ray?
<jacquez> Ray: No.
<jacquez> Fraser: Ah.
<jedimom> (Methos is ambushed in the alley outside by Obi-Wan and Maul and hauled off for a threesome)
<Cara> Mulder: Hey, look at the guy with the horns and all the red and black tattoos! The truth is out there, Scully...
<bas-write> Scully: There's this thing called makeup, Mulder.
<Cara> (Mulder pouts)
<bas-write> (Ray and Fraser and Blair and Jim head out, looked dopey already)
<Cara> Skinner (to Krycek): Shall we?
<Cara> Krycek: Thought you'd never ask.
<RavenD> Qui-Gon (waves hand at Mulder): You *will* seek the truth in room 1138 in the Sam Houston motor lodge in an hour and bring some cheetos!
<bas-write> (Scully looks at Mulder. Scully looks at Duncan.)
<jedimom> (Duncan eyes Qui-Gon speculatively)
<bas-write> Scully: Hey, big boy.
<bas-write> Scully kicks Qui-Gon's ass and takes Duncan.
<jedimom> Duncan: Haven't I seen you somewhere in a kilt?
<jedimom> Duncan: OW!!
<Cara> Mulder: I *will* seek the truth in room 1138 in the Sam Houston motor lodge in an hour and bring some cheetos.
<jedimom> Duncan: (dragging feet and looking back at Qui-Gon) There's no need for that, Scully! There's plenty of him to go around!
<RavenD> Qui-Gon: No matter what braid-boy says, I've still got it.
<bas-write> (Scully drags Duncan out the door)
<Cara> (Qui-Gon drags Mulder out the door)
<bas-write> (Dief looks around.)
<Cara> (Blair's spirit animal comes bounding up)
<bas-write> (Dief sneezes)
<jedimom> B.S.A.: Woof!
<Cara> (And they lived happily ever after)
<RavenD> The End
