for Basingstoke, who for some reason wanted it.

Toad crouched on his barstool and listened to the caterwauling from the stage. "Yousa always on meesa MIIIIIIIIIIIIND, yousa always on meesa mind..." He looked at the bartender. "Who's that guy?"

"Jar-Jar Binks," said the bartender, sotto voce. "From Naboo."

"Naboo," said Toad, shaking his head. "Fucking Naboo." He ordered a Sammy Smith's. He'd been on Naboo once, by accident. Nice swamps. Lots of food. Obnoxious locals. He waved the bartender over again. "None of those dicks with those laser swords come in here, do they?"

The bartender laughed. "No. Coupla'em go to Einstein's Folly, down the block. Most of 'em go to Vecchio's Mucho Macho Bowling Alley and Pizza Parlor."

"Good," said Toad, and looked around happily. Aside from the noise, this wasn't a bad place.

[VIZZINI, FROHIKE, and JAR-JAR are seated at a table, playing blackjack. TOAD enters.]

VIZZINI: You've stood with a seven showing, which means you've got a queen--

FROHIKE: Blah, blah, blah. You're always running your mouth. You couldn't possibly know what he's got.

VIZZINI: Of course I know. I am the greatest thinker known to man. I simply deduced that he has a queen. As a matter of fact, he has got the queen of diamonds, has had too much to drink, and has fallen asleep in his chair.

TOAD: Who let the Sicilian in? (to VIZZINI) I thought we banned your dead ass.

VIZZINI: You can't ban me. Simple logic dictates that I must always be here. If you are going to ban anyone, you ought to ban Melvin here.

FROHIKE: Just because I could go to Einstein's doesn't mean I want to. Too many uptight pretty boys.

[TOAD spits on the ground.]

TOAD: Pretty boys have all the fun.

FROHIKE: And Mulder's a slut.

["I Will Survive" starts playing. ALBERT EBERTS, weaving slightly, is holding the microphone. VIZZINI puts in a pair of earplugs.]

EBERTS: Once I was afraid, I was petrified, thinking I could never be without you by my side...

[TOAD winces and claps his hands over his ears. FROHIKE raises his voice. JAR-JAR wakes up.]

FROHIKE: He's in love with his boss.

JAR-JAR: Him big guy? Him yell?

FROHIKE: Yeah, that guy.

JAR-JAR: Him like tongue. Hold meesa ears a lot.

TOAD: Tongue, huh? Show me your tongue.

[JAR-JAR opens his mouth and sticks out his tongue. EBERTS falls off the stage and starts writhing around on a table.]

EBERTS: GO ON NOW GO! WALK OUT THAT DOOR! JUST TURN AROUND NOW...

[TOAD sticks out his tongue and uses it to grab EBERTS'S microphone. EBERTS is too drunk to notice.]

VIZZINI: Inconceivable!

JAR-JAR: Oooh, yousa got talented tongue.

TOAD: You wanna go back to my place?

FROHIKE (under his breath): Thought you'd never ask...