Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 23:29:51 -0500
From: Laura Jacquez Valentine
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns Spock. Robin Lawrie seems to have
invented Hurty Spock (and no, GW, this is not the Hurty Spock story I
promised...he just sort of ended up in here). Pet Fly owns Blair. I don't
know who invented Fembot Blair, but I'm going to kick their ass if I ever
find out. Chris Carter/1013/FOX own Mulder, and Krycek-hating Skinnerific
Mulder in this story is for kk lynn, who asked for him.

----

(SPOCK and BLAIR walk into Einstein's Folly together. BLAIR is laughing.)

BLAIR: No, no, I think you're wrong about that. Jims do what Jims do
because they're Jims, and Jim is kind of a hero type name, right, so
obviously writers are going to write Jims as heros.

SPOCK: I do not believe that everyone named "Jim" is a hero.

BLAIR: I don't mean all the time, just on TV. Look, it can't be anything
else, OK, it has to be--whoa, what the hell is Mulder doing?

(They walk over to a small table in the back, where MULDER is working his
way through shots of tequila. Cheap tequila.)

BLAIR: Mulder, man, what's up?

MULDER: Spock, are you a clone?

SPOCK: No. Why would I be a clone?

MULDER: We're all clones. Only you two don't know it.

SPOCK: Mulder, perhaps you have had enough to drink.

MULDER: OK, look. Laura writes these stories, right? So we're all *her*
versions of us. Or sort of. I mean, she draws in all these elements from
other people's stories as well, but there's some consistency of vision.
It's kind of a quest for self-verification, in a way.

BLAIR: Right.

MULDER: Right. So, she writes me as pretty non-neurotic but also she
writes me with Skinner, mostly, so I'm kind of a Skinner sort of guy,
sometimes a Scully sort of guy, but mostly Skinner, and I never, ever, fuck
that asshole Krycek.

SPOCK: The man who murdered your father?

MULDER: Yeah, that guy. I mean, total squick for her, right, that I would
sleep with the guy who killed my dad and betrayed me and got Scully
abducted and whatever the hell else--I mean, OK, maybe beating him up is
sublimated attraction but fuck it all, he killed my fucking father.

BLAIR: That's something else--fathers in science fiction series--I'm
thinking of writing a paper about it.

MULDER: Can it, Sandburg, I'm on a fucking *roll*, here.

BLAIR: No, no, I think you're right--check out that guy, over there.

SPOCK: To whom do you refer?

BLAIR: *That* guy. The one who looks like me.

MULDER: Except he has slender white hands.

BLAIR: Yeah, and big baby blue eyes all full of tears.

SPOCK: And better lighting effects.

BLAIR: He's a frickin'--something. Sometimes I get drunk and kick his ass.

MULDER: Do you have a point? I was talking about Krycek.

BLAIR: Yeah, I have a *point*. My *point* is that we all have clones.
Like you said.

SPOCK: I do not have a clone.

MULDER: Yes, you do. He likes to tie people up and whip them.

SPOCK: He most certainly does not.

BLAIR: You're telling me *that* guy is a Spock clone? I thought he was
dressing like that for effect.

MULDER: Yeah, he's a Spock clone--hey, wait a minute, I know that look.
That's the "Sandburg's got a really bad idea" look.

BLAIR: No, this is a fucking fantastic idea. See, we get that Spock
clone--what's his name?

MULDER: Hurty Spock.

BLAIR: Hurty Spock, and we get him drunk, and then we get *him* to beat up
my pansy-ass clone--

SPOCK: Fembot Blair?

BLAIR: And then we get him to nail Krycek to a wall, after bloodying him up
a bit first--sound good?

MULDER: You have a sick mind, did you know that?

SPOCK: Should I be finding this concept emotionally satisfying?

BLAIR: I don't know, Spocko. You in?

MULDER: I'm in.

SPOCK: I suppose I have to be.

BLAIR: Unless you want Hurty Spock to kick your ass, yeah, you'd better be.
C'mon, we have work to do.

---

The End

laura jacquez valentine -+- http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/~jacquez
Unused Steven Seagal Movie Title: RENT TO OWN
Jesus is a meme. -+- http://www.memepool.com/