[14:47] * jacquez tells FZU a story

Once upon a time in the city of Chicago, there was a police officer named Ray. Unfortunately for him, there was a second police officer named Ray, and the first Ray thought that this was mightily unfair. Especially since the second police officer named Ray had better hair and an even tinier ass.

"This is mightily unfair," thought the first Ray. (For I told you he thought so.) "I should find a way to distract the second Ray, so that everyone will see he does not do his job and that I am the only Ray who should be a police officer."

And so the first Ray thought and thought and he thought of a way to distract the second Ray. He sent a very tall Mountie wrapped in a blue silk ribbon to the second Ray, for he had heard that the second Ray liked such things.

The second Ray left the very tall Mountie trussed up like a turkey on the doorstep of the first Ray's house. That the trussing was elaborate Japanese rope bondage did nothing to resign the first Ray to the failure of his plan.

After he untied the very tall Mountie, the first Ray asked, "If you were trying to distract someone, how would you do it?"

The very tall Mountie blinked and said, "I would send them Constable Fraser." Now, Constable Fraser was another Mountie, who while not quite so tall as the very tall Mountie, was nonetheless a toothsome morsel.

But the first Ray liked Constable Fraser himself, and did not want the second Ray to have him.

"No," he said to the very tall Mountie, "there must be another way."

"Perhaps you could send him the Ice Queen," said the very tall Mountie. Now, the Ice Queen was another Mountie, who was very beautiful and fond of yelling.

But the first Ray didn't dislike the second Ray that much.

"No," he said to the very tall Mountie, "there must be another way."

"Perhaps you could send him your sister," said the very tall Mountie. Now, the first Ray's sister was not a Mountie, but she was very beautiful and fond of talking.

But the first Ray didn't like that idea at all, so he tied the very tall Mountie back up in the Japanese rope bondage and stowed him in the back of his Green 1972 Buick Riviera. And he sat in the front seat of the Green 1972 Buick Riviera and thought and thought and thought.

Finally, he decided that honesty was the best policy, and he drove the Green 1972 Buick Riviera to the second Ray's apartment and rang the bell.

"Hey," said the second Ray, sticking his head out of the door.

"Hey," said the first Ray. "I've been trying to distract you, but I can't think of how to do it."

The second Ray grinned.

"If you were trying to distract you," said the first Ray, "how would you do it?"

The second Ray looked thoughtful. "First," he said, "I would kiss me, like this." And he kissed the first Ray.

"Then," he said, "I would dance with me, like this." And he took the first Ray's hands and began to hum a tunesome tune and dance around and around.

And the first Ray did not know what to say or think or do. But the second Ray was a good dancer, and so after a bit the first Ray decided that this distraction might work.

And so he kissed him. And danced with him.

And then, after a while, he decided to improvise, and took the very tall Mountie out of the back of the Green 1972 Buick Riviera and put the second Ray there instead.

And he didn't even care when the seats got stained, because finally, finally, the second Ray was well and truly distracted.

The end.