S

There is no technology that you can both use and look cool doing so. except a gun.
--Joshua Schachter

The conversation in this story is like a feeble, girlish game of verbal badminton between two 68-pound waifs who are lying prone, or maybe supine, in a flower-strewn bed with the curtains drawn.
--Anna S, FCA-L

Every minute of every day we choose. Who we are, who we forgive, who we defend and protect. To choose a side or to walk the line. To play the middle. To straddle the fence between what is and what should be. This was the course I chose. Trying to find the delicate balance of interests that can never exist. Choosing by not choosing. Defending a center which cannot hold.
--Walter Sergei Skinner, "S.R. 819"

Unfortunately, there are like five people in the world who understand the X keyboard model -- I'm not one of them -- and three are insane. It's that bad.
--Tim Showalter

You have choices here, one of which is don't eat Tampex. I mean fish. Don't eat fish.
--Bev Sauer

Rhetoric is about that cognitive moment just before you say 'Fat chance in Hell'.
--Bev Sauer

Dr. McCoy, get the typospray ready! I'm a doctor, not a copy-editor!
--Eleanor Skinner

I've taken up meditation. I like to down an espresso first to make it more challenging.
--Betsy 'the squirrel-lady' Salkine

The basic problem with civilization today is that all of our advances in agriculture and medicine have permitted really stupid people to live long enough to reproduce.
--Herbert Spencer

For God's sake, give me the young man with enough sense to make a fool of himself.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson

Dressed in a wig and high heels, she passed her late afternoons standing before a blackboard and imitating her teachers. "I'm very sorry, Candice, but I'm going to have to fail you," she'd say, addressing one of the empty folding chairs arranged before her. 'The problem is not that you don't try. The problem is that you're stupid. Very, very stupid. Isn't Candice stupid, class? She's ugly too, am I wrong?"
--"Naked", by David Sedaris

C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.
--Ray Simard

So you want a realistic, down-to-earth show that's off-the-wall and full of magical robots?
--The Simpsons

No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.
--The Simpsons

[Dean Martin] is an absolute, unqualified drunk. And if we ever develop an Olympic drinking team, he's gonna be the coach...I would say Dean Martin has been stoned more often than the United States embassies.
--Frank Sinatra

Living in Germany on British music imported from America is not cheap.
--Martin Schloemer

The reader of and respondents to alt.folklore.urban have requested that this dull, tiresome, and unoriginal troll be taken out behind the barn and shot.
--snopes

Please disregard my temporary psychosis as I am having PMS, my baby is teething, and I haven't even seen anyone castrated with a claymore lately.
--Jasmine Sailing

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
-- KC Smith

"Bother," said Pooh, as Cthulhu rose up and ate him.
-- KC Smith

Am I the only one who remembers that scene in "Ishtar" where they mug C-3PO and R2 while crossing the desert?
--Brad Sattler

Maybe cybergoths are just cyberpunks who get laid.
--Sourcerer

Motrin and espresso. The breakfast of champions.
--Sweet Poly

Make weapons of your imperfections. Everything is grist for the mill.
--Sourceror

really, it could be worse
you could hate your roommates
your roommates could hate you
could you hate your roommates
hate your roommates could you
hate you your roommates could
you hate roommates could your
hmm, i think i've run out of workable permutations of those words
but really, things could be worse, you could be dating shawn knight
--Jesse Starflower

We feel sorry for people who don't drink because when you get up in the morning,that's as good as you're gonna feel for the rest of the day.
--Frank Sinatra

I think I'm losing it: the first time I saw this I thought he wrote: "don't attack orbital space ducks", and that caught my attention momentarily.
--sweet@dns.city-net.com, about "don't attack orbital space docks"

Quantum Astrophysics, even a drugged monkey could do it.
--Dick Solomon, 3rd Rock From the Sun, on what he taught at the university

I know a lot of people without brains who do an awful lot of talking.
--The Scarecrow, Wizard of OZ

I don't think I'm God. God thinks he's me.
--Bram Smits

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child.
Listen to the DON'TS.
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS,
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS.
Listen to the NEVER HAVES,
Then listen close to me--
Anything can happen, child
ANYTHING CAN BE.
--Shel Silverstein

T

And this person has *seen* Paul Michael Glaser? He looks like a bonobo.
--Tritorella, on some very purple Starsky/Hutch

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
--Mark Twain

Werthers' Original toffees taste like sex feels...
--Barbara Trumpinski (kitten)

Some of the more environmentally aware dinosaurs were worried about the consequences of an accident with the new Iridium enriched fusion reactor. "If it goes off only the cockroaches and mammals will survive..." they said.
--Derek Tearne

Quietly sets eyebrow on stun.
--Greg Tapolow

A bazooka is the skeleton key of the impatient.
--Will Timmins (??)

U

I was working on an Andromeda story with a pet octopus in some sex scenes, but he was mainly there to pump up the tension, not participate.
--Unovis

I actually haven't drunk oj in a long time. It messes with my mucus.
--Stevie Ulrich

You aren't appealing to my sense of voyeurism.
--Stevie Ulrich

I need to get a life. I have a neat counselor though, which is, I guess a convenient substitute.
--Stevie Ulrich

V

I hear this quote all the time: "Scratch any woman deep enough and you are bound to find a feminist." I always want to say to people: oh yeah? try scratching Phyllis Schlafly... But I never do, because nobody knows who she is.
--Jane Valentine

My mother was born on Dec. 4, 1949, in the slums of Linden, New Jersey. My father was born in 1952 in the countryside of Pennsylvania. They met in Philadelphia in the mid-seventies where my father was a doctor and my mother was a nurse. They were married in 1977, and had their first child later that year. I was the second child, born in 1979 with a mutant twin brother attached to my rear side. I was then troubled by the birth of four more sisters, all of whom I did my best to kill. Eventually, I grew to love them, but alas, I was sent to a forced labor camp in Rangoon and did not see them for 6 long years. However, I was pleased to see them alive and well in the PA State Reformatory School for Girls when I returned in 1990. Through letters we keep in constant contact. My brother was not so lucky as he was eaten alive by cannibals in Cambodia during the Khmer Rouge.
--Greg Valentine

I am well acquainted with both mischief and mayhem.  The thrill of running from the cops is surreal: The whole world gets quiet, all you can hear is your heart pounding under your throat. You can't really focus and the landscape is a passing blur.  You are suddenly endowed with great physcial abilities.  No one can catch you.  You can jump hedges, clear fences and scale buildings without even pausing to calculate.
-- John A. Valentine

Academically, it wasn't so much a step down as it was a nosedive off a precipice.
-- John A. Valentine, about Woodland Hills High School

I thought of marrying a couch pillow last weekend.
-- John A. Valentine

I have nursing home insurance...It's German. Luger. (mimes blowing his brains out) Maybe you've heard of it?
--Lee Valentine

How interesting. The people look just like the confetti.
--Lee Valentine, watching Times Square on New Year's Eve '95 on TV

Well, Greg, high class people ride horses. Low class people ride pin-up girls.
--Jane Valentine

I hate men. I should have been a lesbian. That would have been perfect, except I don't like women that way.
--Laura S. Valentine

W

I'm so vanilla, I've never even touched lube. Except for the kind you use on sheep when you're assisting delivery. That kind I've used by the bucketload.
--Wax Jism

People call me a feminist when I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.
-- Rebecca West, 1892-1983

Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.
--Oscar Wilde

This is not child's play. This is hearts that break. To break her heart would break my own. I will not. This is not child's play. This is bodies that yield. My body has been innocent of love. Hers has not. My heart has been innocent of love. Hers has not. I have played at pleasure as children play with toys, then throw them down. But this is not child's play.
--"Child's Play", by Catherine M. Wilson

He hasn't a single redeeming vice.
--Oscar Wilde

It's very hard to explain bad taste to someone who has it.
--Gene Wilder

Mokey Fraggle is a putz.
--Beverly White

X

Y

Z

Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music.

Music is THE BEST.
--Frank Zappa

Evelyn, a dog, having undergone further modification, pondered the significance of short-person behavior in pedal-depressed panchromatic resonance and other highly ambient domains. "Arf," she said.
-- Frank Zappa

When making public policy decisions about new technologies for the Government, I think one should ask oneself which technologies would best strengthen the hand of a police state. Then, do not allow the Government to deploy these technologies.
--Philip Zimmerman

DARPA gives us money. Aliens give us cheez-whiz.
--Jim Zelenka (from the Annals of aw2s)

So, what you're arguing, is that once an object gets heavy enough, the mathematics starts failing due to overflow problems?
--Jim Zelenka (from the Annals of aw2s)

Other

Politicians care more about what people what people watch or listen to than the quality of their actual lives.
-- Robin Moore's roommate Stephanie, on the Dole/Bennett calls for censorship