vampire humor: MiSTing MMF

Note: This is quite old. I got permission at the time to put this here, but I haven't been in touch with the author since 1996. If she ever wants it taken down, all she has to do is ask. The copyright, obviously, belongs to her.

From: lat13@columbia.edu (The Brat Queen)
Date: 95-07-19 21:21:07 EDT

Once again our fair group is threatened (and this time it's finally by
something new!). Back by popular demand: If VampChron met MST3K.
--Laura Ann

PS-Please remember to NOT do any 'replies to all'. Thanks.

6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...


LESTAT: Ok, I'm going to open my eyes now and... WHAT THE HELL??

LOUIS:

Now, Lestat, be calm--

LESTAT: You said you were going to give me a surprise!

DANIEL: Well, you've got to admit, you could never have predicted
*this*.

LOUIS: Daniel, you're not helping!

LESTAT: Louis, how could you? How could you put me in front of another
Make.Money.Fast? I thought you loved me!

LOUIS: I do love you. And this isn't Make.Money.Fast, really it isn't.

ARMAND:

LOUIS: This is entirely different.

ARMAND: I always did love that naive optimism of yours, Louis.

LOUIS: Look, whatever it is you have to admit that it's been a while
since we've done one of these. So please, just for me, can we do
this?

LESTAT: Louis, I really don't--

LOUIS: *Please*?

LESTAT: No! Never, never ne--oh all right. Just stop looking at me that
way. It's distracting.

LOUIS: Thank you.

LESTAT: And you owe me BIG, keep that in mind.

LOUIS: Of course. Can we proceed?

ARMAND: If we have to.

>Date: 18 JUL 1995 12:34:20 -0400
>From: MDyer22243 <mdyer22243@aol.com>


DANIEL: Oh brother. Not only is this a MMF, but it's aol too! We've
got nothing to work with here! Why don't we tell a few OJ jokes
while we're at it?


>Newgroups: alt.books.anne-rice


ALL:


>Subject: make $100,000 in 30 days
>Subject: Method to make $100,000 in 30 days


LESTAT: MMF, aol *and* redundancy! Louis--

LOUIS: Hush, I'm sure we'll get something new soon.
We'd better.

>From: MoneyMaker (MoneyMaker)

DANIEL: To: ShakeYour (ShakeYour)


>$$$ FOR YOUR RECIPES $$$


LESTAT: I wasn't aware my recipes were in debt.


>Please do NOT change anything contained in this letter EXCEPT as directed!


ARMAND: Spams: use only as directed.

DANIEL: See your doctor if annoying buzzing sound persists.


>EARN AS MUCH AS $100,000.00 OR MORE IN 30 DAYS, LEGALLY!


LOUIS: Speaking of annoying buzzing sounds.


>EARN MORE THAN EXTRA MONEY!!


LESTAT: Nothing like having a little extra extra money around.

DANIEL: Read all about it.

ARMAND: Daniel, I've warned you about the puns before.

DANIEL: Sorry.


>YOU WILL BECOME FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT!!


LESTAT: Independent means they don't need us, right?

LOUIS: Right.

LESTAT: So why can't I just write a check and make it go away?

LOUIS: If only it were that easy.


>Here's how to do it.


ALL: Take a step to the right...


>IT WORKS EVERY TIME!


DANIEL: I thought that was Colt 45.


>Again don't change anything.


LOUIS: It's a very insecure spam, isn't it?

LESTAT: J-just don't change anything ok? Just leave it alone! Awh,
c'mon! You promised!


>Follow these instructions exactly and you could make $100,000
>in the next 30 days.


DANIEL: Or you could make an attractive dinette set. I really didn't
double check to see what file I was uploading.


> This program REALLY works. It makes money


ARMAND: It does the dishes, it stays up and cuddles after sex. What
more can you ask for?


>for those who do it honestly!


LESTAT: Those who do it dishonestly can rot in Hell as far as we're
concerned.


>Take the time to read it COMPLETELY!


LOUIS: Move your lips if necessary.


>I know, ordinarily, we disregard these letters because they usually don't
>work like they're supposed to, but this ONE is DIFFERENT!


LESTAT: I'm a changed spam, baby! Take me back, please! It won't be
like before!


>Carl Simmonds used this legal program last year and made $82,360 in cash
>the first time he used it.


DANIEL: Whoa, whoa, whoa. First they tell us we can get a hundred
thousand in a month and *now* they tell us it took this shmo a
year to earn 82?

ARMAND: The fact that a spam lies is surprising to you?

DANIEL: No, I just thought I'd repeat it for the benefit of those who
just joined in.


>Needless to say,


LOUIS: This whole post is needless to say. However I still don't see
them shutting up.


>he quit his job immediately

>paid off all debts in full, and started another mailing.


ARMAND: Sadly, Carl spent all his money paying off his debts and didn't
have anything left to buy stamps! Isn't that a hoot? But we
digress.


>Believe me, this is an EASY opportunity.


LESTAT: Just give it a glass of wine, put a little Sinatra on the
CD player and you'll be making money all over the place. *If*
you know what I mean.


>You can do this all on your computer,
>by "JUST PRESSING A FEW BUTTONS".


DANIEL: And those buttons are apparently the caps lock and the quotes
key.


>You will EASE YOUR FINANCIAL PRESSURES,


ARMAND: Oh yeah, just a little lower, ahh, that's the spot. I love it
when you touch my financial pressures.


>and begin to make GOOD things happen for you and your family.


LESTAT: Unlike the crap you've been bringing them in the past.


>READ ON!


ARMAND: I'm not at all surprised that this man can only read by flicking
the appropriate switch.


>* * * * * * * INSTRUCTIONS * * * * * * *
>1. Send $2.00 (cash only)


DANIEL: You know, I'm amazed that it took this long for someone to
change the initial amount of money.


LESTAT: What? The *honest* members of MMF cheat? Never!


>inside a sheet of carbon paper or construction
>paper, and send a self-addressed, stamped envelope


LOUIS: I notice that at no time do they tell us to put the money *into*
the envelope. I'd correct that for them but they *did* ask us
not to change anything. Oh well.


>to each of the DEALERS


ARMAND: You know the war on drugs has gone horribly wrong when even
spams aren't safe.

LESTAT: You have to admit, though, that the presense of drugs in spams
does answer a lot of questions.

ARMAND: Yes, like "Why?"


>(1 through 4) below for the recipes they offer.


DANIEL: Recipies from dealers? Does anyone really need that many
variations on brownies?


>2 Save this letter on disk. Remove the name, and recipe title that
>is in the number 1 position.


LESTAT: Ok, I got rid of "Purple Hazelnut Surprise" what's next?

LOUIS: "Can't Say No Nutmeg"?


>Move the others up a space.


DANIEL:

Ok, move it along folks. Nothing to
see here. Move it along.


>Put your name, address, and the name of your recipe


LESTAT: Into the witness protection program and maybe, just maybe you
won't get hurt.


>in the number 4 position.


DANIEL: Returning champ Michael Jordon!!!


ALL:


>3 Post this file just as it appears (with your name, etc.) in 10
>different


LOUIS: As opposed to 10 exactly the same.


>places on-line (newsgroups, forums, etc.). Do the postings between 6 a.m.
>and 7 a.m. Friday, Saturday or Sunday


ARMAND: And under the light of a full moon while reciting "Owa Tagu Siam"
over and over until your impotence goes away.


>to get the highest position and have your posting read first.


LESTAT: Because, as we all know, it's the *time* the spam is posted
that makes people ignore it. Really.


>Ten postings should yield about 100 responses,


LOUIS: Unless there's an early frost in which case you're looking at
maybe only one or two.


>which should then yield about $100,000.


LESTAT: Which should then turn into puppies and fly away because you
are, after all, just dreaming.


>4 **When the money begins coming to your HOME MAILBOX,


ARMAND: Or after you've stolen it out of your NEIGHBOR'S MAILBOX

DANIEL: You remember your neighbor, the one who actually *has* a job?


>put your recipe in the provided SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED ENVELOPE


LOUIS: Again, note that at no time are they telling you to mail it.


> - sit back, smile, and know that you


LESTAT: Have finally proven to the world what a putz you are.



>NOW OWN AN HONEST AND EASY SMALL HOME-OPERATED BUSINESS! KNOW ALSO, THAT
>YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING SMART TO ACHIEVE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE!


DANIEL: Know also that continued unnecessary shouting is the first
sign of insanity. Go on, keep this up. I dare you.


>* * * * * LOOK AT THESE FIGURES WITH ONLY A 15% RESPONSE! * * * * *


LESTAT: A spam with math problems? I am in Hell.

ARMAND: Who knew that Hell would be so annoying?


>Step 1:


LOUIS: Is admitting the problem. Spaming is an addiction!


>Fifteen dealers mail at least 15 letters each with your name in
>position #3 AND send you a request for a recipe and $2 each or $30.


DANIEL: Ok now is the correct answer A) This is a waste of time.
B) This guy's making it up as he goes along. Or C) Hey, why is
my name in the #3 position if they told me to put it in #4???


LESTAT: No prize for guessing D) All of the above.


>Step 2: Two hundred and twenty five (225) dealers mail at least 15
>letters


LOUIS: It's nice to see a community of 225 coming together to work
on a project like only sending out 15 letters between them all.


>with your name in position #2


ARMAND: It's a long shot, but I'm guessing the phrase "#2" has often
been used to discribe this man's life.


>AND send you a request for a recipe and $2 each
>or $450.


LESTAT: My math skills may be poor, but I'm pretty sure that 15 times
2 equals 30 no matter how many people you start with.


>Step 3: Three thousand three hundred and seventy five (3,375) dealers


ARMAND: Is the first line of a really good dirty limerick. But I
digress again.


>mail at least 15 letters with your name in position #1 AND send you a
>request for a recipe


DANIEL: Because it's always about *their* needs.


>and $2 each or $6750.


LESTAT: Want to check that math again?

LOUIS: Yes, 15 times 2 is still 30.


>Step 4: Fifty thousand six hundred and twenty five (50,625) dealers send
>you


ARMAND: Their love and affection. Would it kill you to give them a
call once in a while?


>a request for a recipe and $2 each or $101,250.
>TOTAL CASH RECEIVED (15% RESPONSE) $108,480.00


DANIEL: I thought he said that they sent $101,250?


>ELAPSED TIME: 30 days! Everyone responding immediately.


LOUIS: Heart rate normal. Am increasing the dosage.


>ADVANTAGE: $8 Initial investment.


LESTAT: DISADVANTAGE: Jail and the total alienation from your peers.
Of course, for this guy only half of that statement is a change
from the status quo.


>Professional care has been taken to insure that this Marketing Plan does
>NOT violate any laws! (Reference U.S. Code, Title 18: Section 1302, 1343,
>and TITLE 39, Section 3005).


ALL:

LESTAT: Stop it! You're killing me!

DANIEL: No, no! Say that part about it being legal again!

LESTAT: Yeah, it's not like we've ever heard *that* before!

ALL:


>The key factor is that we are Mailing Merchandise


LOUIS: I prefer to think of us all as human beings.


>...OUR TREASURED RECIPES.


DANIEL: Who gladly died so that we might live.


>Be honest in every way.


ARMAND: Great, now it's Barney: The Spam.


>Be sure to keep accurate records of income for Income Tax purposes.


LESTAT: And here I've been keeping accurate records of rainfall for
Income Tax purposes. Silly me!


>GOOD FORTUNE TO YOU!


DANIEL: Yeah, you too. Buh-bye now!


>* * * * * * * * DEALERS LISTED * * * * * * * *


>1. G. Bart (Exotic Spaghetti Sauce)


DANIEL: Gee, Bart, what makes your spaghetti sauce exotic?

ARMAND: I'll give you a hint: that ain't cream.

ALL: Ewwww.


> 160 NW 176 Street #407
> Miami, Fl 33169


LESTAT: A dealer in Miami? Who'd've thought?


>2. S.R.


DANIEL: ..A. reading cards.

LOUIS: Daniel! You've been doing your Hooked On Phonics! I'm so
proud of you!


>(Oatmeal-Pecan Cookies)
> P.O. Box 411496
> Los Angeles, CA 90041
>
>3 T.H.Chan (Walnut brownies)


DANIEL: Told you there'd be a brownie recipe.


> 10 Delisle Place
> Mairangi Bay
> Auckland
> New Zealand.



>4. M. Dyer (Fettucine Ferrari)


LESTAT: Ah yes. All the *good* Fettucine recipies taste like cars.


> 3025 Redford Drive
> Greensboro, NC 27408


LOUIS: It's nice to see that all those 'honest' people didn't mind

giving their full names for this list.


>******************************************************************
>S. Finch -- I made $141,000 the last time I used this program. It REALLY
>WORKS!
>******************************************************************


LESTAT: What program is that exactly?

LOUIS: He didn't say. Oh well.


>J.S. Holliman -- I am a skeptical person by nature.


ARMAND: And the part where we care is...?


>But I knew
>this program was different. Over a period of 1 1/2 months, I received
>a total of $137,870 in the MAIL!


DANIEL: Of course, that's because my uncle died and put me in his will.
But I'm sure this program does something too.


>******************************************************************
>P.S. Why not try it yourself? Mathematically it is possible,


LESTAT: Mathematically? Yes. Here watch: I have $100. Then I
times that by 10 and WOW! I've got $1000!

LOUIS: That's very well-put, Lestat.

LESTAT: Hey, I don't watch all that Kids in the Hall for nothing.


>but ONLY IF EVERYONE PARTICIPATES!


DANIEL: C'mon! All of you guys aren't playing! If you all don't
participate and play fair, I'm going home! Guys? Guys?


>This system works for the BENEFIT OF ALL,


LESTAT: This system would also like to use its breasts to promote world
peace. Its pet peeves are people who smoke, and those who can
read between the lines.


>so remember to begin with your name in the #4 position, for MAXIMUM
>SALES and PROFITS! THIS IS EASY AND YOU GET LOTS OF MONEY!!


LOUIS: No really! Really you do! Really! Why won't you believe me?


>GOOD LUCK !!!!!


ALL: Just go away!!!!

LESTAT: Good idea, let's go!


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